Ask Dr. Barb: Staying positive in trying times

Dr, Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb,

How does a person stay upbeat when everything in the world seems to be going wrong? I am bothered by the rising cost of living, the economy, my self-imposed pandemic isolation, war and people suffering in so many ways. Personally, my life isn’t so bad, but I find myself avoiding the news because there always seems to be something to feel anxious about. Distracting myself with books and movies only goes so far, and it feels like there are so many instances where I am powerless to make a difference. Is there any hope? It’s even harder to feel like this around the holidays.

Dear Reader,

There are so many right now who are struggling with feeling overwhelmed by all the bad news in today’s world. A horrific headline or one more update on the virus can send a person spiraling into feelings of worry and hopelessness.

Avoiding the news certainly doesn’t mean you don’t care, but by avoiding, you can become even more anxious. Some people have learned to strike a balance between total avoidance versus nonstop consumption. They check the news only at a specific time of the day. By doing that, whatever is taking place is pretty much heard only once.

If a mass shooting tragically takes place and a person is checking the media sixty times, it will feel like the mass shooting is happening sixty times.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Smart kids and learning disorders

Dear Dr. Barb,

My friend’s daughter has been able to hold surprisingly intelligent conversations since she was a toddler. She reads constantly, has a vast vocabulary and high-level ideas, but she is failing high school. I don’t think she is using drugs, but she will get a time or date wrong and miss important appointments, and she falls behind on homework and projects. Her parents are both exceptionally disciplined and accomplished professionals. Early on I wondered if her acts of self-sabotage, and presenting herself as an “airhead,” were actually a quiet rebellion against her parents’ expectations. She now seems lost, having embraced the idea that something is wrong with her. Maybe she resents her parents or feels she can never match their accomplishments, or maybe she is a smart person who can’t get it together. Do you have any thoughts that might be helpful?

Dear Reader,

There may be more than one issue holding your friend’s daughter back from achieving her full academic potential. First, she may have a learning disorder that hasn’t been professionally diagnosed. Second, she may be an underachiever rebelling against expectations of her parents, whom she feels are role models she cannot live up to. Third, the problem may be a combination of a learning disorder and anxiety brought on by pressure to perform.

Even very intelligent individuals can have learning disorders. A learning disorder doesn’t mean that one is unable to learn successfully. In fact, those with learning disorders often are able to learn and perform just as well and sometimes better than those who don’t face such challenges.

To some extent, we all have learning disabilities, in that learning styles will vary according to our individual strengths and weaknesses. For example, some people are stronger visual learners. Others learn better by listening, that is, processing material auditorily. Your friend’s daughter may be a stronger visual learner. She reads constantly and has no trouble remembering many vocabulary words and high-level ideas.

Her weakness may be in processing what she is listening to unless she compensates by writing the information down. By taking notes, visual learners can more efficiently absorb and remember material they hear.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Is child’s ‘evil’ alter ego a red flag?

Dear Dr. Barb,

I work with children, and there is a bright 6-year-old in the group who calls himself Dr. Diabolical. He has told me and others that he has poisoned all the food in the center’s kitchen. He is a cute kid, and I am a person who enjoys smart, imaginative children. Still, I wonder if there is cause for concern. Since I engage with his character, he has become attached to me, but he has told me that he will “destroy” me or throw me in an incinerator. Is this just childish play, or could it signal the potential for violent action?

Dear Reader,

Your concerns about this 6-year-old are understandable, as he is pretending to be a scary character with evil plans. He seems comfortable with you, as you are attuned to his being smart and imaginative. Perhaps he just seeks your attention in a childish way.

Imaginative play is an important part of a preschool child’s development, and continues to play a role for those ages 6 through 9. Encouraging such play helps children develop social skills. They explore relationships between family and friends and can learn how people interact. Also, pretend play can build self-confidence as children practice language skills and work out fears.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Working from home and weight gain

Working from home can mean more sitting and more snacking. Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi Dear Dr. Barb,

Before I started working from home, it was easy for me to eat less when I noticed I was putting on weight. Now meals and snacks are what I look forward to each day to cope with boredom, stress and a job that I do just for the paycheck. I feel like I’m too far gone to turn things around, which just makes me want to eat more. Then I feel worse for not having the self-control I once had. My company goes back to the office in June, and I worry that my “dad bod” will affect how people see me, and that it will be harder for me to get another “great job.” How can I turn this around?

Dear Reader,

It seems you are eating for emotional comfort, not because you are necessarily hungry. When you eat for emotional reasons, there may be a tendency to overeat and then feel pretty guilty about losing self-control.

Occasional overeating may be normal — when enjoying holiday dinners or having a piece of cake after a big meal to celebrate a birthday, for example.

Overeating to relieve negative emotions like stress or boredom, on the other hand, can be a sign of disordered eating. If done frequently enough, this could lead to binge eating or other eating disorders.

The good news is that you are not too far gone, and it is never too late to turn this problem around.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Every anniversary is worth celebrating

Some anniversaries are a celebration of having survived.The current issue of At Home New Jersey marks its 10-year anniversary, and I am happy that my “Ask Dr. Barb” column has been a part of the magazine since the first published edition.

When I was initially asked to write a column with psychological advice, I doubted my ability. I recalled having been required to take a remedial writing course in my freshman year of college. I passed the requirement, but I never considered myself to be a good writer.

Looking back joyfully on this 10th anniversary, I realize my writing skills were stronger than I had imagined, and I am very proud of the accomplishment. Moreover, the ten years of sharing insights with readers has also helped build my confidence as a psychologist. I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to write an advice column and to learn and grow from the experience. I hope those who have read my columns have benefited greatly as well.

Happy anniversaries typically are shared with friends, colleagues or family members. The gatherings are a celebration of life in spite of the difficulties and sadness most all of us experience in the course of our years. They are also an expression of hope that there will be many more happy anniversaries to be celebrated.

For this column, I’d like to explore more challenging anniversaries — those that recall misfortune or a traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one, the due date of a miscarried baby, or the day of an assault or accident. As the anniversary of such an event nears, one may experience sadness, irritability, grief or high anxiety in reaction to distressing  memories.

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