Ask Dr. Barb: Every anniversary is worth celebrating

Some anniversaries are a celebration of having survived.The current issue of At Home New Jersey marks its 10-year anniversary, and I am happy that my “Ask Dr. Barb” column has been a part of the magazine since the first published edition.

When I was initially asked to write a column with psychological advice, I doubted my ability. I recalled having been required to take a remedial writing course in my freshman year of college. I passed the requirement, but I never considered myself to be a good writer.

Looking back joyfully on this 10th anniversary, I realize my writing skills were stronger than I had imagined, and I am very proud of the accomplishment. Moreover, the ten years of sharing insights with readers has also helped build my confidence as a psychologist. I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to write an advice column and to learn and grow from the experience. I hope those who have read my columns have benefited greatly as well.

Happy anniversaries typically are shared with friends, colleagues or family members. The gatherings are a celebration of life in spite of the difficulties and sadness most all of us experience in the course of our years. They are also an expression of hope that there will be many more happy anniversaries to be celebrated.

For this column, I’d like to explore more challenging anniversaries — those that recall misfortune or a traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one, the due date of a miscarried baby, or the day of an assault or accident. As the anniversary of such an event nears, one may experience sadness, irritability, grief or high anxiety in reaction to distressing  memories.

These reactions have been called “anniversary effects,” which are disturbing feelings and thoughts connected to past trauma or loss. These stressful feelings are very common and can be a normal part of the grieving process. However, anniversary effects may signal that one has not yet recovered emotionally, and may need to work on resolving disturbing memories and related feelings. Some psychologists consider the anniversary effect to be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It is advisable not to be alone when experiencing a traumatic anniversary. Just as happy anniversaries often are celebrated with others, many individuals benefit from the support of having others there to listen and offer comfort on a date that recalls a troubling past event. During this sort of gathering, even a traumatic loss can be commemorated in a psychologically beneficial way. Visiting a loved one’s grave with friends and family; making a collective donation in support of medical research; or becoming involved with an organization that works to prevent domestic violence, drunken driving or suicide, are all actions that can help in coping with a particular loss.

Eventually, the anniversary of a negative or traumatic event can motivate a person to move forward in a meaningful way. In working through the feelings of pain and sadness, an individual can resolve to make changes in personal outlook about what really matters in his or her life. Perhaps there can be a new sense of purpose that will im- prove one’s own life or the lives of others.

As a painful anniversary approaches, it is even possible to find reasons to celebrate. There can be joy in having found the strength to survive adversity, and also in taking action to rebuild a meaningful and productive life despite loss or injury.

Consider lyrics from “Anthem” by the singer and writer Leonard Cohen: “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

In essence, there are parts of all our lives that have been broken, but light can shine through the darkness as an inspiration to a more hopeful future.

With hopefulness and a productive future in mind, I wish At Home New Jersey many more decades of success as a creative, community-supporting endeavor.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Con- tact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.