Ask Dr. Barb: Helping students avoid high credit-card debt

mastersenaiper/pixabayDear Dr. Barb,

I was recently laughing with a group of friends about how creative we got with ramen noodles for low-cost college meals. Then someone noted that we  didn’t have credit cards back then, and the conversation shifted to the amount of credit card debt our offspring had accumulated, mostly from fast food and delivery service. It even happened with my son, who has been coached on money matters and credit card traps since early adolescence. I think it’s criminal to issue credit cards to college kids who are minimally employed or not working. Some banks charge them almost 25 percent interest on balances! The banks know that parents who have the means will rescue their kids. Sometimes parents aren’t even aware their child has a credit card. I know young adults need to establish a good credit rating, but can one raise a child who is able to resist using credit for convenience foods and whatever they feel they might need to fit in?

Dear Reader,

It is important for parents to teach children about money starting from a young age. However, in some cases, there can be a disconnect between “do as I say” vs. “do as I do.” By the time kids reach adolescence, money management has been modeled for them by how their parents talk about and spend money.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Extravagant gifts may signal low self-esteem

Gifts can't buy love. Pixabay photoDear Dr. Barb,

My daughter spends extravagantly on presents for her boyfriend, her friends and our family. She never seems disappointed that what she gets in return doesn’t always match the time, effort and expense she puts into giving perfect gifts. She spends a lot on office snacks for co-workers, and she almost always picks up the check when she and friends or her siblings go out to eat. I am happy my daughter is successful, but I wonder if she feels she needs to buy love. Could my middle child simply be an angelic, cheerful giver, or might she be insecure and putting her own future at risk in efforts to win the affection of others?

Dear Reader,

On the surface your daughter seems to be a very giving person, but her actions, which are so out of balance, are not the same as generous giving.

Giving generously implies that one has taken care of his or her own needs and therefore can direct resources towards others. However, your daughter’s giving might suggest that she is compensating for needs that are hidden from her own awareness.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Marital cheating also hurts the children

Children will often look to their parents for emotional stability. - Photo courtesy PixabayDear Dr. Barb,

I’ve often heard women being advised to tolerate infidelity and remain married  “for the sake of the children.” Having witnessed three generations of this in my extended family, I wonder how children are affected by an unfaithful parent. Can mentally healthy children be raised in such circumstances  — especially if they are aware of outside relationships? Would this be better for kids than being shuffled between two households with the prospect of mom and dad having a rotation of romantic “friends”? What has been your professional experience? Also, is there a way to choose a partner who’d be less likely to be unfaithful?

Dear Reader,

Staying together in emotional turmoil “for the sake of the children” is a misguided myth. If children become the glue of an unstable marriage, the result is a relationship held together by fear, guilt and perceived social obligation.

The cheating spouse may feel too guilty to break up the family, or want to avoid paying for a divorce. The betrayed spouse may be afraid to be alone or to lose financial security. Both might feel failure in a “broken home.” However, the home is already broken if children bear the burden of their parents’ unhappiness.

At any age, children who become aware of outside relationships can be affected with intense feelings of confusion, anxiety, anger, guilt, shame and sadness.

It is natural for children to depend on parents for emotional stability.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Running away from your family

Talking with your spouse about a marriage that isn't working can be the start of fixing - or ending - the relationship. Pixabay photoDear Dr. Barb,

I have a confession. For years, going to work was not only a way to make a living, but a way to escape my family. I could forget — if even for a few hours — about my spoiled, out-of-control teenagers and my spouse who complains often and never wants to do anything fun. At work, I had others to talk to, to look at and to laugh with. Now I am working from home, looking at the same four walls of a den-turned-office. When I come out, it’s to the same drama from the same three people. I think this goes beyond setting limits so I’m not disturbed while I work. Sometimes I’m not sure I even love my family. I feel trapped. Would I be wrong to leave? I’ve never really felt “present” as a parent. We both have good jobs, and I am willing to provide my share of financial support for our children. Maybe I am a person who was not meant for family life?

Dear Reader,

It sounds as though you left your family long before you started working from home, if not entirely physically at least mentally. For years your work provided an escape from family dissatisfaction. Working from home, you no longer have the ability to shut them out, and you are feeling trapped.

It’s possible your spouse and children have also mentally left you. They must sense how emotionally absent you have been. Your spouse could be complaining because you have not been there to support with parenting. Moreover, without help, parenting teens is a challenge in itself that can leave one feeling tired and resentful —  especially after working at a job. It is no wonder your spouse never wants to do anything fun. Also, your kids may be misbehaving in order to get your attention. They may feel as though neither parent is really in control, and perhaps neither really is.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Respect is key to move aging parent

Many senior adults prefer to remain independent and in their own homes. Pixabay photo Dear Dr. Barb,

I’ve finally convinced my mother that the house she has lived in since I was a child is too much for her to handle. My father died 10 years ago, and in that time, she has developed several physical limitations. She has agreed to move to a senior community. Trouble is, I’m having a hard time helping her pare down her things. She is highly sentimental. She actually has a purse that was given to her by a dear friend when they were teenagers! Add to that my childhood artwork, greeting cards, her hobby supplies, vacation souvenirs, books, shoes, clothes, furniture and all the lovely objects she’s collected. I know these things represent a lifetime of memories, but I’d like to move quickly. If we can sell in this favorable market, she will have more options when she buys a new place. What is the best way to help someone get rid of things? Could taking so much time be my mother’s quiet resistance to moving from a house she loves? Should I just let her stay there, hire help and hope for the best? I’d like her to be happy, but I am afraid for her safety and my sanity.

Dear Reader,

Downsizing to a smaller home really can be a downer for many elderly persons. In the case of your mother, though she’s said she is willing to move, facing the loss of possessions collected over a lifetime has become emotionally overwhelming for her.

For several years, your mother has been living through significant losses, namely the death of your father, limitations in physical ability as well as having to live alone without a spouse. Now, letting go of sentimental possessions collected over so many years represents even more loss. It must be very unsettling for her to imagine moving into unfamiliar surroundings without all her familiar stuff. Therefore, following through with this major decision may be very challenging for her.

How you and your mother will work through this problem will depend a lot on the quality of your relationship. It sounds as though you both were able to make a difficult decision to begin with, namely moving out of a home that is too much for your mother to handle alone. Your ability to convince her of the practicality of this decision suggests to me that your mother has a trusting relationship with you.

In order to help her move forward, it will be important that she continues to trust you. Start by communicating your respect for her feelings of ambivalence in paring down to move. The articles she cherishes are closely linked to her personal identity as well as past and present experiences. Like many people in her situation, she may be afraid she will lose the memory if she loses the item. Understand that her resistance to letting go is most likely her anxiety about facing loss as well as a major life change.

If you try to get her to move more quickly than she is able, she will only become more afraid, and you no longer will be able to maintain a trusting working relationship. The financial gain in selling the house as fast as possible may not be worth as much as maintaining a collaborative mother-daughter relationship.

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