Ask Dr. Barb: Is child’s ‘evil’ alter ego a red flag?
Tuesday, July 5, 2022 at 01:19PM 
Dear Dr. Barb,
I work with children, and there is a bright 6-year-old in the group who calls himself Dr. Diabolical. He has told me and others that he has poisoned all the food in the center’s kitchen. He is a cute kid, and I am a person who enjoys smart, imaginative children. Still, I wonder if there is cause for concern. Since I engage with his character, he has become attached to me, but he has told me that he will “destroy” me or throw me in an incinerator. Is this just childish play, or could it signal the potential for violent action?
Dear Reader,
Your concerns about this 6-year-old are understandable, as he is pretending to be a scary character with evil plans. He seems comfortable with you, as you are attuned to his being smart and imaginative. Perhaps he just seeks your attention in a childish way.
Imaginative play is an important part of a preschool child’s development, and continues to play a role for those ages 6 through 9. Encouraging such play helps children develop social skills. They explore relationships between family and friends and can learn how people interact. Also, pretend play can build self-confidence as children practice language skills and work out fears.
Whereas preschool girls tend to engage in imaginary play with dolls and may enjoy dressing up as princesses, boys may enjoy playing with or pretending to be popular superhero figures who represent beyond-average strength and destructive powers. By age 6, with more language ability, they can manipulate action stories with their own creative plots and schemes. By engaging other children and adults like yourself in their plots, they enjoy getting attention, and their self-esteem receives a boost.
It is not uncommon for children, especially boys, at this age or younger to have feelings of frustration and aggression. Imaginary play can allow a child to express these feelings in less harmful ways.
If all expression of violent fantasy play is prohibited, a child’s angry feelings may become bottled up and sooner or later may be acted out dangerously in real-life situations.
It is possible that the child you work with is in need of more varied social outlets to release what may be pent up feelings of frustration and aggression. Sports, board games or acting in a school play may provide a healthy way to express his feelings more appropriately. If his violent fantasies persist and it seems he is not growing out of them, his parents should be told at some point that something might be upsetting him.
The ability to appropriately express feelings of any nature is an important develop mental task for all elementary school children. One of the most important challenges is learning to constructively express anger. This can take place in a school setting, but more important, it can be modeled by parents at home.
Parents teach by example. A parent’s ability to appropriately manage his or her anger will show a child how to manage his or her own. If a child yells a cruel remark at a parent and the parent yells a cruel remark back, the parent hasn’t taught the child that hurting another’s feelings is not an appropriate way to verbalize anger.
Instead, asking a child to “tell me how you feel right now” and “why do you feel that way” would be more socially effective to help verbalize anger. Sometimes, a parent can demonstrate how to take slow, deep breaths so a child can relax and speak calmly. By trying to talk about angry feelings, children begin to learn to be more assertive on their own behalf.
Parents also can guide children toward outlets for anger expression like drawing their anger on paper, ripping up junk mail or going for a run around the block. This kind of physical activity can help children release anger without hurting others. If these approaches do not seem to help the situation, a consultation with a child psychologist would offer a more comprehensive understanding of the child.
Psychologist Carol Gilligan, a New York University professor who has researched gender issues, noted that girls are more likely than boys to have trouble expressing anger. Girls are often raised to value their relationships, and they may fear rupturing a relationship by saying or doing something that might offend a friend or parent.
On the other hand, anger is the main emotion boys typically are allowed to express. Boys often are encouraged to suppress “soft” feelings of empathy and sympathy and, according to research, are more likely to be at risk for violent behavior, especially if they are frequently exposed to violent movies and video games.
In moderation, video games or cartoons with aggression between imaginary beings is okay. However, video games depicting people killing people are too violent for children and should be banned from the home.
After a 2010 review of many research studies, psychologist Craig Anderson concluded that evidence strongly suggests that exposure to violent video games can increase a person’s aggressive thoughts, feelings or behavior and decrease the ability to feel empathy and kindness to others. For children who already are at risk for violence due to mental health and family-life challenges, the risk for violent behavior in teenage years increases.
In light of ongoing gun violence in our country, the discussion of violence and mental health is an important one. Anger is a perfectly natural human emotion, and there are times when it is very appropriate to feel it no matter how young or old we are. Nevertheless, the way we learn to man- age anger — and where the anger may be coming from — makes all the difference in the world in how mentally healthy we are.
Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.