Ask Dr. Barb: Strategies to cope with coronavirus anxiety

Dr. Barbara Rosenberg

Dear Dr. Barb,

My daughter is a recent college graduate who finally landed a great job in her major only to have been laid off due to COVID-19 with no guarantee her small company will be able to recover and bring her back. I also have a son at home who is missing friends and teachers in his last year of high school. He is angry about cancellation of classes, the prom, graduation parties, and, likely, even the graduation ceremony itself. Our family has been sheltering in place, but it has been a very difficult time. Going out to walk regularly is no longer helping me mentally. I am worried about my daughter who has her own apartment and was paying off her credit card and student loan debt. I am worried that money will run out for all of us and that things will get much worse. So far, we are all well, and I am trying to present a strong presence for my children and my husband, who is working from home. Inside, I am afraid and falling apart. What advice would you have for me and my children at this time of unprecedented uncertainty?

Dear Reader,

Although you are sheltering in place, you are not alone in your struggle with the strong emotions brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic. It is not uncommon to feel frightened, frustrated, sad and even angry about cancelled events, disappearing jobs, rent payments and financial loss.

COVID-19 is new and unfamiliar to us all, and it is challenging our ability to cope. Adjusting to life in daily confinement is not easy with only outdoor walks or occasional trips to food stores and pharmacies. How stressful it can become with family members living continually under one roof, working and or taking classes remotely, endlessly preparing one meal after another and worrying about running out of supplies.

Of course, using social distancing, frequent hand washing and face masks are safety priorities to stay healthy. However, remaining healthy during COVID-19 also requires managing emotional stress. I understand how anxious you are about the future of your daughter’s job.  However, getting caught up in worrying about the uncertainties of the future is not mentally productive, as there is no clear solution at the moment.

It's healthier to focus on issues of top priority in the here and now. For example, how would you respond if a friend, neighbor or family member were diagnosed with COVID-19? Or if you’ve procrastinated in getting an extra supply of food and medication, plan your shopping today. Developing contingency plans for real scenarios can lessen your anxiety and provide a more positive outlook.

Staying positive, in general, is usually a good stress management tool. As an example, perhaps your daughter can arrange a delayed payment on her rent or possibly her student loans. Consider that she might land an even better job once the recovery gets under way. Positive thinking will generate a more hopeful outlook.

Remember also that life in the future will go on. People have always survived difficult life circumstances, and this situation may not be so different. Catastrophizing about the future – that is worrying about the worst-case scenario – like the whole family running out of money, makes it harder to keep a balanced perspective. In that regard, it might help to limit your media consumption just enough to stay informed. Our government needs to plan for possible worst-case scenarios in order to protect the public. Nevertheless, the public does not have to necessarily expect the worst.

Given the fact that you and your family are together daily, check that your own fears are not contagious. When dealing with your children’s sadness and disappointments or even their fears of the unknown, let them know that you understand how they feel. It helps to be a calm, listening ear -- just being there in that way for them.

Also, use the situation as a learning opportunity in how to adapt well to stress. Throughout life, plans get interrupted due to circumstances beyond our control. Learning how to cope with loss brought about by the virus can build resilience in managing all future adversities. In doing so, you and your children will discover new personal strengths. And, down the road, your children will be able to teach these coping skills to their own children.

As you mentioned, kids are missing their teachers and friends during this period. So, let your kids stay socially connected to their peers through social media. Be flexible and don’t worry so much about their screen time as long as they follow a consistent home-school routine. Your children also need to feel the joy of extra time off from school as a way to relax and manage their disappointments. Let them engage in activities that are fun as long as they are safe.

During these challenging times, it also will be important to care not only for your children and husband but to be easier on yourself. Anxiety will normally come and go as long as we live. You cannot completely shut yourself off from it because you are only human. Try to accept anxiety as a normal part of life and not be so hard on yourself. Remember that anxiety can be a good feeling if channeled productively.

The fact that you have anxiety about how COVID-19 is affecting your children shows what a caring and loving mother you are. But care for yourself as well. Take time to do things you really enjoy. Remember to stay in communication with friends, family and neighbors -- anyone who matters to you. Social connection is essential at a time like this. You will not only receive emotional support from those you love but give it to them as well. Loved ones will want to hear your voice.

With the unprecedented nature of COVID-19, it might also be necessary to seek professional support. This is especially so if you are overwhelmed by feelings of nervousness or lingering sadness, or if you are feeling so distressed or hopeless you are barely able to get through your daily responsibilities and activities. Psychologists are trained in helping people find constructive ways to deal with emotional anxiety and stress -- not only in coping with this pandemic but in coping with life’s stressors in general.

Given the challenges of sheltering in place, many psychologists, including myself, are now treating individuals through online video conferencing. To learn more about this treatment approach (called teletherapy) and find participating providers, contact the New Jersey Psychological Association at (973) 243-9800.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.