Ask Dr. Barb: Understanding group dynamics is key in work success

Dear Dr. Barb,

There’s a woman at my new job who was very nice to me early on. Now I suspect that she’s the person who was enlisted to size me up. I know she has been Googling me because she knows things about me that I have not told anyone at work. At first, I was more forthcoming with her because she was easy to talk to and I wanted to fit in. Over time, she started making negative com- ments about other co-workers. I didn’t join in. But the other day she came to talk to me after I had a somewhat tense exchange with our supervisor. I was feeling picked on, and I said things I shouldn’t have. Now I am worried it will get back to the boss. What can I do? It’s a very competitive job and I regret letting my guard down. Work is hard enough, so it’s really stressful to feel that I always have to watch what I say and do.

Dear Reader,

Adjusting to a new job can be very challenging. Getting used to the demands of your workload and trying to fit in can be quite stressful. Of course, your job performance will be top priority. However, in order to get the job done, it will be necessary to get along with your coworkers and, above all, your boss.

Unfortunately, your belief that the workers who surround you cannot be trusted is adding even more stress. You perceive that individuals are talking about you behind your back, and that your boss is picking on you. You seem to feel threatened by what appears to be a competitive work atmosphere and you do not feel safe enough to relax and just be yourself.

Clearly you have not had a good start. Unsure of yourself, you may have tried to fit in too quickly without understanding the group dynamics, namely how the people in this particular organization interact with one another in order to get their work done. Group dynamics are a part of all organizations, including sports teams, clubs and even social circles. Understanding group dynamics in any setting enables an individual to observe how decisions get made and how the group responds to the status quo as well as to change. With this understanding, one learns how his or her own personality will best fit into the mix.

Typically, there will be an array of personalities in an office setting. These may range from fairly difficult to work with to amiable and easy going. It seems that the woman who initially befriended you is the office gossip, informally appointed by others on the sidelines to figure out the new kid on the block. If the environment is as competitive as you suspect, your arrival to the scene may represent change, which threatens the status quo of who is really in charge.

In work organizations, the boss should be the leader. The boss, like everyone else has his or her unique personality. Some may be authoritarian in nature, delegating work in a manner that should not be questioned. Others are more democratic or collegial in their style, inviting input and others’ opinions. At any rate, in order to be a team player, for the most part, your boss will be the most important person to please.

If your boss is not pleased with your output or attitude towards a project, you can expect to be criticized. Criticism is a part of life and cannot be avoided, especially in the workplace. It plays an important role in self-development, as it is given with the intention that the receiver will make changes and improvements.

Nevertheless, no matter how constructive criticism may be, in essence it is negative feedback and can easily be taken negatively. However, in order to get along and succeed in the workplace, it will be necessary to learn techniques to manage and control your feelings when criticized.

One technique to consider is actively retraining your brain to seek out criticism and associate it less with feeling down on yourself and more with an opportunity to learn and grow.

For example, when criticized by your supervisor, you acted out feelings of anxiety and insecurity and sought the support of a coworker of questionable trust. Instead, you might have considered that your supervisor communicated with you in good faith and then tried to calmly work out your differences. With this in mind, you still can have a more constructive conversation with your supervisor. You can apologize for how you acted poorly and sincerely commit to working cooperatively with him or her going forward.

Also, in what may prove to be a competitive environment, one has to be self-protective until it is clear what coworkers really have your back and can be trusted with personal information. Therefore, another conversation with the office gossip would be helpful as well. Mention that you want to be able to trust that your negative comments about your boss or the company will not be passed on and that, going forward, you want to develop positive working relationships with everyone.

A group of coworkers in an office setting often can feel like a family, and insight into one’s own and others’ behavior can be an adaptive tool in getting along. It could be helpful to realize that some individuals may project feelings experienced growing up in their own family into workplace relationships. For example, sibling rivalry for the boss’s attention may play out where individuals are competing for promotions. Or a worker may tend to act in opposition to a supervisor as though rebelling against a parent figure. Along those lines, those who felt ganged up on in their family of origin could feel threatened by office cliques.

In truth, individuals can spend more waking hours with their work "family" than with their true families. And, just as you cannot choose who will be in your family, you cannot pick who your coworkers will be. For better or worse, these are the individuals you will live with from one day to the next, and you have to make the best of the situation.

Therefore, to avoid a state of panic, set some goals towards gradually building genuine connections. Use a positive approach by aiming to become someone your boss and your co-workers can trust. Support their ideas, offer to help them when you can and congratulate their successes.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.