Ask Dr. Barb: What it means to marry into a family

Dear Dr. Barb:

I never imagined I would be having in- law issues in my 40s. I recently remarried into a tight-knit clan where my husband and I are expected to go on a group family vacation every year. I went along with this when we were dating so his family could get to know me, but I guess I never thought it would be this way forever.

I would rather go on vacation with my husband alone. I don’t think that is unreasonable since we see his family frequently. There is also a lot of competition with his sisters to have a highly polished appearance and dress in a “Real Housewives” way. I do keep myself up, and I consider myself a people person, but on vacation, I’d just like to relax and not feel like I am being judged on so many levels. Plus, I don’t always want to “just go along with the group.” But I do it because I love my husband and I know his family is important to him.

Sometimes I feel selfish about my resentment because I know his parents — and all of us — are getting older. You never know how long any of us will be around. How can I resolve all these conflicting feelings?

Dear Reader: It might be helpful for you to know that in-law conflicts are among the most stressful life-changing events, and marrying a second time does not necessarily make this easier.

In the dating period, when relationships with future in-laws begin to form, usually everyone is on their best behavior. For the most part, dating couples do not spend much time thinking about each other’s family.

However, once this getting acquainted period is over, the reality becomes clearer that you are marrying not only your spouse but his or her entire family, and they may not exactly be your dream family!

As you mentioned, your in-laws’ expectation of keeping a tight-knit family together is not what you had imagined. This new phase of adjustment — trying to balance investing as fully as possible in your marriage, while also maintaining close relationships to parents and siblings — can cause loyalty conflicts between you and your spouse. The two of you should talk through the conflict and, ultimately, how it gets resolved will have great impact on the well-being of your marriage.

The conversation might involve the following issues: How loyal are your spouse’s ties to family expectations, such as group vacations? Can this issue be open to compromise and then negotiated with his family? Will your husband be able to speak up to his family to affirm the needs of his marriage, or will he feel caught in the middle of a power struggle? Will his parents be able to accept his new role of husband and let him relax his role as their son? If they struggle with letting go, can he assert his primary loyalty to you, his wife?

It’s helpful that you already understand his loving attachments to his family of origin. It might be stressful for him to confront his parents to negotiate your needs as a couple. Still, his primary loyalty should be to you. Your respect for his feeling torn between two sides will provide the support he will need.

However, can his family be more flexible about their rules and expectations? Other than group vacations, can a different kind of event be established to honor family traditions, perhaps a family picnic or outing? Can you shorten the time spent with them on the family vacation? Such options can clarify the priorities of your relationship while preserving connections with his family.

Often there are no perfect solutions to in-law problems, and everyone won’t always be happy. Sacrifices may have to be made for marital peace. With new rules and expectations mutually understood and accepted, hopefully, family cohesion can begin to set in with more give and take. A positive outlook can help move the process along.

As an example, you mention the pressure you feel with your sisters-in law to dress in a super stylish manner. Trying not to worry so much about their expectations should help you relax. Perhaps you can share with them more openly your own dress preferences while complimenting theirs. They might appreciate your honesty and build a relationship with you based on trust rather than competition.

On the other hand, if you continue to “just go along with the group,” your resentment may build. You might end up taking your anger out on your husband as you try to keep peace with his family. To avoid this no-win situation, it’s helpful to keep in mind that every family has its own array of personalities.

To get along positively, try to make room for people who may be challenging. Initially, you may view his sisters’ behavior to be incompatible with your own values. However, in getting better acquainted over time, you may become more comfortable with them and find them fun to be with.

As you mentioned, no one ever knows how long any of us will be around. Therefore, why miss out on the possibility of building worthwhile relationships in the here and now as well as enjoying other benefits that extended family can offer. Learning to compromise and trying to be flexible may be the best approach for all.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.