Ask Dr. Barb: An affair doesn't have to mean the marriage is over

Dear Dr. Barb: I am divorcing my wife of 12 years because she has been seeing another man. I am angry and in a lot of pain because I still love her, but I can’t forgive her. I have always been a good provider for our family. I have never strayed. She says I was “emotionally unavailable” and did not act like I loved her. Doesn’t it show love to go to work every day, to help raise our 8-year-old son and two younger daughters, and to work on improving our home? Maybe I wasn’t the most romantic man, but I always tried to do my best in our marriage. I wish she had told me that she wasn’t happy or that there was something she needed that I wasn’t giving her. I hate what this will do to our children, but I can’t live a lie.

Dear Reader: Having recently learned that your wife has been unfaithful, the anger and pain you are now feeling is entirely to be expected. You believe that your wife can never be trusted again, and you have lost confidence in what you thought to be a secure and lasting marriage. However, when struggling with deep feelings of hurt, one’s anger can become overwhelming. It becomes hard to think things out carefully and rationally.

As an example, you may become obsessed in thoughts about your wife’s lies, the details of the affair and what led up to it. Although you may be trying to maintain some sense of righteousness or self-respect, it is not advisable to make impulsive decisions that may lead to ending a marriage.

The affair does not necessarily have to result in an immediate marital breakup. If each, without blaming the other, assumes responsibility for his and her part in the conflict, though not guaranteed, there is hope that your marriage can be repaired. This could be a wake-up call to your wife’s inability to com- municate her unmet needs and your inability to understand those needs.

Although you may be consumed by your own grief and pain, it is important also to consider the needs your children. Divorce can be just as painful for kids as it may be for their parents. A child’s self-security may be affected as well as his or her trust in future relationships.

You also might pause to think about how the hectic responsibilities of taking care of three children, building a career and running a household may have gotten in the way of taking care of each other. With this understanding, you may at least give yourself a chance to move forward and learn together what can be done to restore trust in your marriage.

Trust is not a free gift but something to be earned, not only in verbal commitments, but in concrete behavioral changes shown towards one another. Most important, your wife will have to commit to ending her affair. Only then can you begin to feel safe enough to open yourself up to feelings of forgiveness.

On the other hand, trust also has to be rekindled on your part by changing your own behavior. If you persist in being punishing, cold or distant, your wife will give up trying to reconnect.

Although you may not be romantic by nature, at times you may have to act as though you feel more loving, secure and forgiving than you really do. If you wait until your feelings of affection return, you may lose the relationship. You can change your behavior first, and the loving feelings may follow.

In her book, “After the Affair,” Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, discusses many things both partners can do to restore trust, dividing them into low-cost and high-cost behaviors. The easier low-cost actions are less emotionally demanding, while high-cost behaviors require a higher level of self-sacrifice.

You, the hurt partner, can request low-cost behaviors that make you feel more cared for, loved and secure, such as “Tell me when you feel proud of me and why,” or “Tell me if your lover contacts you.”

On the other hand, your wife may need reassurance that her efforts to restore trust are paying off: “Tell me when you feel more optimistic about our future together.” Many of the low-cost behaviors requested can be the same for each partner. They can address all aspects of the relationship, including communication, finances, sex, the children and other family relationships.

In your case, the high-cost behaviors mainly will be the responsibility of your wife, the unfaithful partner. They are the penances to be made to redress the injury. As an example, you can ask her not to associate with her lover’s circle of friends or that she go to couples’ therapy with you to figure out what the affair says about you both and about your relationship.

Ultimately, being able to relax and have positive experiences with each other again is certainly a desirable outcome. But there is no substitute for learning how talk to one another about pain and dissatisfaction in a way to be listened to and understood. Learning constructive communication skills and being willing to use them is the final challenge to rebuilding a marriage or any future relationship that may follow.

Finally, if you are fortunate enough to save the marriage, you still may find it difficult to forgive your wife. When forgiving, you don’t necessarily forget the wrong but you do allow yourself to stop dwelling on it. The damage can still be felt but so can the better times, the ones that remind you why you have stayed together. And as you progress, you will have learned a lot and always can be inspired to do better.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.