Ask Dr. Barb: Extravagant gifts may signal low self-esteem

Gifts can't buy love. Pixabay photoDear Dr. Barb,

My daughter spends extravagantly on presents for her boyfriend, her friends and our family. She never seems disappointed that what she gets in return doesn’t always match the time, effort and expense she puts into giving perfect gifts. She spends a lot on office snacks for co-workers, and she almost always picks up the check when she and friends or her siblings go out to eat. I am happy my daughter is successful, but I wonder if she feels she needs to buy love. Could my middle child simply be an angelic, cheerful giver, or might she be insecure and putting her own future at risk in efforts to win the affection of others?

Dear Reader,

On the surface your daughter seems to be a very giving person, but her actions, which are so out of balance, are not the same as generous giving.

Giving generously implies that one has taken care of his or her own needs and therefore can direct resources towards others. However, your daughter’s giving might suggest that she is compensating for needs that are hidden from her own awareness. Perhaps in an effort to feel good about herself, she hopes to please others by buying their attention and admiration.

Growing up as a middle child may have affected her self-esteem. Sometimes middle children compete for attention, as they might not feel appreciated or loved enough. Now as an adult, your daughter’s extravagant gift giving may be a visible demonstration of how successful she has become, and thereby how she is now the stronger, wiser and smarter one in her family.

You are correct to believe that your daughter’s efforts to win the affection of others by showering them with gifts is putting her at risk. Psychologically, over-giving is often a sign of codependency, a form of emotional insecurity in which feelings of self-worth depend on pleasing others. Rather than considering their own feelings, beliefs and needs, codependent persons frequently give up their own self-identity — namely their sense of self — in trying to make others happy.

Over time, the ongoing denial of one’s feelings and needs may result in an identity crisis. This crisis usually happens when an individual undergoes a big change or a stressful period in life pertaining to relationships, age or career. Those who eventually struggle with these issues usually develop negative feelings about themselves and may become vulnerable for depression.

Codependency also may result in unhealthy and lonely relationships. As an example, not getting back in return for what is constantly given to others may eventually cause your daughter to secretly resent her relationships. Or, she may develop issues with trust, often doubting who are really her true friends.

Over-giving in relationships also can be perceived by others as a form of control, and it may cause her friends and boyfriend to secretly resent her. No one really likes to feel indebted to others, especially when one is unable to match someone else’s generosity time, effort and expenses. Moreover, codependent relationships often become problematic. For example, your daughter’s boyfriend may resent being controlled but have a hard time leaving her and giving up the generous gifts.

In addition to putting herself at psychological risk, your daughter also is putting herself at risk financially. In spending her money so freely, it sounds as though she may not be paying enough attention to saving. Often, young adults like your daughter, do not save enough money for important future expenses like a down payment on a home, starting a family of their own, or even planning for future retirement.

In order to learn how to spend and save money wisely, it helps to have a mature and sensible attitude about the value of money. Individuals who have a secure sense of self typically do not view money as a means to impress others, but more as a way to improve their own lives and the lives of others in need. Of course, from time to time, spending a little more on yourself and on those you love can be pleasurable and rewarding in a healthy way.

The holidays and beyond

In this season, there are many healthy ways to give to oneself as well as to others. Being generous to others does not always have to involve material gifts. Spending time with friends and family for pleasure, or offering them your time when it’s needed, is a caring and loving way to give. Also, if possible, donating your time or money charitably is another example of worthwhile giving.

Whether spending time or money, finding balance between taking care of oneself and caring for others is an ideal way to maintain good mental health.

Your own time is valuable, so set some aside for yourself to relax or engage in enjoyable activities. The money you work hard for also is valuable, so save it carefully for future needs like an emergency, a reliable car or even a vacation you have been looking forward to. Learning how to give sensibly to others as well as to oneself is a true sign of success!

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Con- tact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.