Ask Dr. Barb: What sister is hiding behind all her stuff

Dr. Barbara Rosenberg

Dear Dr. Barb:

I am concerned about my sister. She lives alone and her house is so full of things that I wonder how she gets around. She wasn’t always that way, but she has had some life disappointments that seemed to change her. Could all the clutter be a sign of depression? Knowing my sister, if I mention it, she will get angry and suggest that I mind my own business. Is there a way I can approach her about this without her getting too upset? I’ve thought of visiting her more often and casually asking if she’d like me to cook dinner for us, and then I’d start to help by cleaning up the kitchen. What do you think?

Dear Reader:

You are on the right track in thinking that the clutter in your sister’s house may be a sign of depression. She has experienced disappointments in her life, perhaps losses pertaining to relationships, finances, status or self-esteem. Individuals who struggle with these kinds of adversities can lose their ability to move forward with their lives as they see the future in a very negative way. They typically lack self-confidence in their ability to make necessary changes and, due to becoming highly anxious when faced with daily decisions, things keep getting put off. 

Sometimes, when individuals become depressed this way, they have great difficulty letting go of possessions. An extreme example of this is a mental condition known as hoarding, whereby the discarding of objects, unused for many years, becomes an overwhelming task. Stuff piles up and the clutter can become extremely hazardous. At the moment your sister’s clutter may not be that extreme. However, if it looks as though she might be having a hard time moving about her house, your help is coming at the right time as the problem often can become worse.

Trying to advise someone like your sister really can be upsetting for her. Pressure put on her to remove piles of unnecessary stuff will greatly frighten her as you will be asking her to make decisions that she cannot make nor wants you to make for her. She unfortunately avoids doing that, because she feels safer not making a decision to let go of some- thing she might regret losing in the future.

Nevertheless, visiting her more often and casually trying to cook a meal for you both can be an excellent way to offer her help. Helping her in a nurturing way by cooking her a dinner will show how much you care about her. It will remind her how special she is to you and that she does not have to feel alone. In time, as you become closer in this way, she may begin to feel more worthwhile.

In addition, she can begin to feel more trusting and hopefully may join you in cleaning up her kitchen and other areas of disarray. However, her readiness to do this could take longer than you would want. Although it may be tempting to suggest how she can improve her life, it is important not to become too impatient. You will do best by supporting her, not by trying to cheer her up or give her advice. Instead, focus on telling her how much she means to you. And, if she tells you how overwhelming her life is at the moment, just listen to her feelings or show empathy and understanding about her situation.

In time, you even may be able to engage with her in other casual activities like gardening, music, biking or knitting. In addition to engaging in more enjoyment, these activities will bring you both closer and will eliminate the pressure to bring about more immediate changes. After a while, she might feel more ready to move forward with cleaning up her clutter, but remember to help her do this in very gradual steps, perhaps just a few items of clothing at a time. Or, to help make the cleanup more meaningful for her, you can suggest that she donate some of the stuff to others.

Of course, there will be days when she will have more difficulty letting go; however, as frustrating as that may be for you, remember to be patient about her setbacks. Your support and love at these moments will give her more confidence to pick up where she left off when she feels more empowered to do so. 

It is also important to remember that sometimes you alone cannot fix this problem. At some point, your sister’s mood may worsen and she will be unable to move forward. In that case, it will be important to encourage her to get the professional help that she needs. You may even have to sit next to her as she makes the call to a psychologist or psychiatrist or finds counseling that she can afford. You also can reassure her by going with her the first time as long as you are both comfortable with it.

It can be difficult for a friend or family member to help someone they love recover from depression. But it is important to remember that people do recover from it. It also is hopeful to realize that your sister was not always in this state of mind. With your help and that of professionals she will recover from her emotional pain and will move forward towards a more positive and healthy outlook about herself and the better opportunities that may await her. Nevertheless, recovery always takes time and patience.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.