Ask Dr. Barb: Questioning behavior in wake of "Me Too"

Dr. Barbara Rosenberg

Dear Dr. Barb:

With accusations against men in many fields and the rise of the “Me Too” movement, many of us have been examining our behavior. I’ve had a predilection for making mildly off-color quips, which I’ve resolved to end. I’ve also resolved to never again discuss with male co-workers which female co-workers are the “hottest.” I’m a married man in my late 50s, and most men in my circle believe a lot of good is coming out of this movement. What’s bothering me, though, is thoughts of my past. When I first started dating, I do remember being aggressive. I’m not talking about harassment or worse; I’ve always known that “no” means no. I’m talking about what I thought were the normal fumblings of a young man who is trying to be intimate with a woman. I’ve always thought we were “wired” as men to be the pursuers, and women were the pursued. Dr. Barb, I’d be interested in hearing you weigh in on this topic as a professional and as a woman of my generation.

Dear Reader:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about how the “Me Too” movement is encouraging you, as well as other men, to examine your attitudes and actions towards women. It’s never easy to look back at one’s life experiences and acknowledge that, knowingly or unknowingly, you were enabling sexist beliefs about women and at times your off-color jokes were demeaning of them.

However, even in your earlier dating years, when you were somewhat aggressive and unsure of yourself with women, it is good to know that you respected their feelings about saying “no.”

Unfortunately, there are men who manipulate and exploit women sexually in order to satisfy their own narcissistic and pathological needs for power. In these kinds of situations, whereby women are sexually assaulted or coerced into such behavior beyond their will, the assault is less about sex and more about control, and the female becomes the forcible target of the male’s psychopathology.

We now are learning that sexual harassment in the workplace continues to be a pervasive problem resulting in devastating psychological impact not only on the victims but on other employees who are merely bystanders. And women as well as men, in order to protect their career aspirations and their livelihoods, had been forced into silence.

Now, after years of being silenced and disbelieved, thousands of women in industries across the spectrum have come out with their personal “Me Too” stories of sexual harassment and emotional abuse. However, up until recently, many companies and institutions have done little to address the problem.

Currently, as the list of high-profile male accusers grows, a cultural shift demanding more accountability for sexual harassment is publicly growing.

Some surveys have shown that men would be willing to change sexually hostile workplace environments, but they fear loss of status, other men’s disapproval, or they are uncertain as to how to act or what to say.

Men of your generation were raised in a culture in which, for the most part, males held primary power and predominated in roles of political leadership, moral authority and social privilege. In that era, women were disempowered and not treated as equals.

Many men behaved according to the belief that females were objects to be sexually pursued for men’s pleasure. Even today, in our culture, some erroneous beliefs from that era still exist and continue to misguide male sexuality.

One example of gender inequality in that era was the belief that men are more interested in sex than women. Today, this is con- sidered a myth. Liberated from sex-negative beliefs and social judgment, women’s interest in sex can equal or even exceed that of many men.

Another myth from that era is, as you believe, that males are sexually wired to be pursuers. This belief put a lot of pressure on men to prove their masculinity, thereby confusing sexual prowess with sexual intimacy.

Sexual intimacy usually requires some form of communication between two partners, with one or both partners being responsive to the guidance of the other. Of course, in order to communicate intimately and lovingly, one has to overcome another myth that communicating sexually with your partner is not sexy.

In terms of hostile workplace environments, there is clearly a need for more consciousness raising and training. If only women speak up to tell their stories, 50 percent of the problem remains to be solved. It is important for all men to join in the conversation productively so that social awareness about the needs and well being of both females and males may ultimately evolve to remove the gender divide. We have been waiting too long for this conversation to happen.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.