Ask Dr. Barb: Daughter's misdeed becomes family's burden

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: My daughter missed out on a very high- profile opportunity because she did something dishonest. Beyond losing the gig, our family has taken a hit with her because her mistake was public in our community. The situation is simply heartbreaking on so many levels. I have been wondering where we went wrong bringing her up. I suspect she has a problem with impulsive behavior. I’m not sure how to ask a question here, but I hope you can shed some light on a troubling situation.

Dear Parent,

Mistakes are unavoidable. Only in a fantasy world with perfect children and perfect parents are mistakes not made. When raising children, if parents had complete awareness of their children’s needs, they would know better and would make different choices.

Forgive yourself for mistakes you might have made that brought your daughter to her present situation. You did the best you could.

However, wondering about what might have gone wrong may offer some insight as to why she acted the way she did. For example, you suspect that she has a problem with impulsive behavior. An individual who is impulsive is in the habit of acting on impulse which is a short, quick instinct. It means you do not think things through before you act. You rely on what feels good or tempting at the moment rather considering the consequences that follow.

It is normal for very young children to be impulsive; because their brain functions immaturely, they have more difficulty controlling how they behave. They might do silly things to get attention, inappropriately grab objects, shout out of turn or even put themselves in danger without considering the consequences. However, as the child gets older and problems with self-control persist, one typical cause, though not the only one, is a common brain-based condition called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. With this condition, a child often has problems focusing on school work, sitting quietly for long periods, or using good judgment when socializing with others. At times it becomes challenging to just stop, relax and think. As the child matures, the symptoms may decrease, but that is not the case for most.

Attention Deficit Disorder is not a result of bad parenting but, if left unattended, it can take its toll by the time the teen or young adult years are reached. For example, when your daughter acted dishonestly in trying to win the high-profile gig, she used poor judgment. Although the world of celebrity performance is highly competitive and she may have felt some financial or egoistic pressure to succeed, she did not think ahead carefully. Instead, in disregarding future consequences, she made a bad decision to win at any cost.

When individuals are impulsive, using poor judgment can have negative social repercussions. There may be no attention paid to how one’s words or behaviors are affecting others, thereby creating problems in making and keeping friends. For example, an impulsive person may have difficulty following rules. They might overreact to criticism, always needing to have the last word. Beyond social problems, poor judgment and impulsive tendencies also can spiral into reckless behaviors like drug abuse, gambling addiction or sexual acting out. Overspending and even overeating can be common examples of impulsivity as well.

Without appropriate professional attention, ongoing impulsive behavior can perpetuate a pattern of defeat and self-injury. Anxiety, low self-esteem and depression can set in, making it even more difficult for an individual to think and plan rationally. Consulting with psychologists who specialize in this problem can help individuals to develop skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional self-regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. With this kind of plan, the person gradually becomes stronger and learns to make decisions mindfully and thoughtfully.

It can be a good idea as well for family members to get professional help in order to support the treatment. At times it becomes very frustrating when the individual keeps repeating the same mistakes. The tendency might be for family members, who become increasingly angry and frustrated, to lose control themselves, even becoming emotionally abusive. The opposite is also possible. Due to feelings of shame and embarrassment, family members may remain in denial.

For example, with your daughter, it might be tempting to bail her out of taking responsibility for her mistakes. If this were the case, I would recommend separating yourself from her embarrassing behavior by not letting her mistakes define your own self-esteem. Your daughter’s mistake was not your error; it was your daughter’s error.

Hopefully, this heartbreaking disappointment can become a turning point for her and she will not only atone for her error but also gain some insight into her behavior. Although it may not be easy for her to deal with her failings, part of her learning to make better choices in the future will come through
her dealing with the present consequences, as painful as that may be. Ultimately, the ability to admit to faults and to repair them builds strength and character. That is a learning process to continue throughout one’s life.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.