Ask Dr. Barb: Help shy child practice making new friends

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: My third-grader is shy and quiet. I am concerned that he does not have friends who invite him to do things. When I ask about even one friend he’d like to invite over to play or to go for ice cream, he can’t think of anyone. He seems happy with his games and toys, but it seems unhealthy for him to not have friends. Is there any way I can help him interact with other kids?

Dear Reader,

Being shy and quiet is more common than many realize. Some individuals are born with a genetic predisposition to be shy. Babies born with this kind of temperament tend to be overly sensitive to loud noises, sharp smells and strange voices. However, innate shyness does not necessarily predict the course of one’s social development. Even toddlers can be taught to be less fearful of trying new experiences and meeting new people.

Your concern about your son’s shyness is entirely appropriate. First, he may have no choice but to play alone as he is being left out by his peers. Second, your son probably has many wonderful traits, and other children are missing out on getting to know him. Third, the more your son gets left out of social situations, the lonelier he may start to feel.

Shy children withdraw from social situations because they feel anxious around others. Unfortunately, by continually playing alone, they lose the opportunity to develop necessary social skills like starting a conversation or responding positively to friendly overtures. Without adequate social skills, there is increased likelihood that they will be rejected or ignored by other children. Ongoing rejection can create even more anxiety.

As the parent of a shy youngster, you can help him learn how to connect with other children. However, going about it too quickly or too forcefully will overwhelm him and increase his feelings of self-doubt. Try to find a balance between being overprotective and pushing him too hard. Consider using a gradual approach, starting with easier challenges and progressing to harder ones.

Before he can be comfortable befriending others, help him to first be comfortable with himself. It’s likely he worries too much about what other children think about him. Point out his unique strengths and what a likeable kid he can be. Explain how negative thoughts he might have about himself get in the way of building his confidence. Some children might like to get to know him, but he is not giving them a chance. And, once he gets to know them, he will realize his worries about being laughed at or disliked were exaggerated.

In addition to coping with negative self- talk, your son needs to develop social skills. Working on how to greet others is a safe way to start. He can first observe how other children greet each other in school or on the playground. Once he becomes familiar with these social cues, he can try putting them into practice. In order to build his confidence, encourage him to rehearse beforehand. He can practice with family members saying hi and making eye contact. Addressing the person by name or even giving a compliment also is good practice. With more confidence, he can progress to greeting children he somewhat knows, and then those he’d like to know.

Another strategy is to encourage him to find shared interests. He might explore the kinds of activities he enjoys that other children enjoy as well. Activities such as bike riding or ice skating require less talking and can be done with one other child in a play date. To pick an appropriate play date, enlist the
support of the classroom teacher who could pair your son with a child who might also be on the shy side. Try keeping the play date short so the children don’t run out of things to say or do. Joining a sport or other organized group also can provide some safety, as the format provides structure and decreases worry about making ongoing conversation.

As your child becomes more confident in having play dates or participating in a formal group activity, he then may feel ready to face the challenge of interacting with a school or neighborhood play group. Once again, he can  watch how the children interact with each other by observing their body language, facial expressions and vocal tones. Once he feels confident, he can approach a small group. Then, rather than interrupting and asking to join in, he should try to blend in by placing himself within the perimeter. That way he will be less likely to be shut out. Also, it is often easier to blend into a group of this size rather than with two or three children who might refuse to include him.

Helping your child overcome shyness is not an impossible task. Try to show understanding when he seems fearful or resistant. While ongoing practice can build self-confidence,  there will be moments of failure and disappointment. During these times, encourage him to keep trying so he can get it right. When he experiences even small success, be sure to compliment him for trying his best. You can say something like “I saw you go up to new kids yesterday. I know that must have been really hard. I’m so proud of you.”

If coaching your child becomes a struggle, you can enlist the expertise of a child psychologist who conducts social skills groups. PsychologyNJ.org, the website of the New Jersey Psychological Association, is an excellent resource for finding an appropriate group for your child. Group therapy can enable him to progress with other children experiencing similar challenges. In the safety of group therapy, he can learn new skills and even make friends. In time, your son will see that his efforts can be worth the fun he’ll have.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.