Ask Dr. Barb: Consider kids when dating after divorce

Dr. Barbara Rosenberg

Dear Dr. Barb:

I’ve been divorced five years, but only recently started dating. My three children are now teens, but my youngest son still gets upset when I date. There is someone I like very much who has a teen daughter. I can only describe her as a spoiled brat. She is never courteous and has talked to me in ways that I consider disrespectful. I have raised my own children to be courteous and respectful to adults, so I find her behavior intolerable. I like this gentleman very much, but I am concerned that our children will be a problem in the future. I don’t want to stop seeing him. Can you advise on what I can do about my own son and his daughter?

Dear Reader:

Getting back into the dating world can be enjoyable, though at times pretty frustrating. You may have several disappointing dates before you meet someone who appears to be a great match for you. It’s exciting to finally feel that way about a new person, and it may be tempting to involve your children too quickly.

Actually, it will not be helpful for your children to think that you are seriously involved with a person before the relationship becomes cemented. If your children become fond of that person and the relationship does not continue, they may feel a sadness that recalls what they felt when you divorced. If these losses happen repeatedly, children may resort to withdrawing or acting obnoxiously in order to protect themselves from caring for someone and then losing him or her again.

At the same time, you should not try to hide from your kids the fact that you are dating. Before introducing your new person, talk to them about your dating life in an appropriate manner. If you have been dating someone special, let them know your intentions. Answer any questions they may have. Listen to and be open to their feelings and opinions.

After a divorce, many children fantasize that their parents will get back together. Having learned that you might marry someone new, they may feel angry, frustrated or hurt. They may feel a loyalty conflict between their biological parent and the new adult you bring into their life. This conflict can cause feel- ings of guilt or anxiety that a new adult will replace their biological parent.

Reassure your children that they always will be loved by both of their parents, and that a new partner or spouse would never replace their parent in their lives — or your love for them. Children also might need reassurance that after living five years in a single-parent household that their own family roles and importance will not be replaced with the addition of a new person to the family.

How receptive your kids are to your new partner may depend on their stage of life. Teenagers typically turn to their peer groups for identity and support, and appear to be less interested in spending time with family. Younger children are more dependent on family support and attention. Sometimes a new partner might feel resentful because the younger children require so much of your attention. The children might feel jealous of your affections towards the new partner.

When the time is right, it is best to introduce them with activities gradually, for short periods, until everyone feels comfortable.

When you begin to introduce your kids to the person you are dating more seriously, allow them to be themselves. Each kid has a different personality. When your son gets upset about your dating, it may be more about who your son is — perhaps timid, shy and nervous about meeting someone new. On the other hand, one of your other children may be more outgoing and genuinely excited to meet this new person.

Take into account personality differences when trying to relate to your partner’s kids. You describe the teen daughter of your new partner as being spoiled and bratty. Your children may be more respectful and courteous to adults, as you have raised them. However, your partner’s daughter, like many teenagers, may be going through some difficult adjustments. Or she may be rebelling as she has not come to terms with her parents’ divorce.

Although she appears to be disrespectful, it would not be your place to attempt to discipline her or even bring up the subject of discipline with your partner. It will be harder for you and the daughter to get to know one another if you come across like a mom.

At this point, it is better for the children and new partners to patiently get to know each other and to leave discipline to the biological parents. Teenagers have enough disciplinary problems with two parents, and they do not want another added on. Down the road, if you and your partner stay committed or eventually marry, a conversation about discipline should be had at that time.

It’s hopeful to expect that eventually you may remarry. Your kids, though conflicted about it, probably expect it to happen anyway. When you dated before marriage and kids, it was all about what you personally wanted for yourself. Now, it may become more complicated juggling your children’s feelings and expectations with your own. But family happiness and psychological health should be a priority when choosing your new partner.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.