Ask Dr. Barb: Layoff hurts, but begins a new phase in life

Dr. Barbara Rosenberg

Dear Dr. Barb:

I’m a 59-year-old who was laid off from a job with highly specialized skills. I’ve been in this field for more than 30 years, so I haven’t had to job hunt for a long time. I now find that I’m completely out of touch. I’ve never taken part in social media, but it seems to be required for every job I see listed. I’ve learned that “robots” now read resumes and rate them based on “keywords.” At every job-hunting seminar I’ve attended, the advice is to “hide” my age. I have many friends and colleagues who are in the same boat. We’re too young to retire, but apparently too old to get hired.

I have persistent bad dreams, clenched jaw pain, feelings of isolation, bitterness, anxiety, worthlessness, fear of going broke, and depression. I used to wake up at 7 a.m.; now I wake up between 4:30 and 5 a.m. Do you have any ideas I can apply in my day-to-day life to improve my outlook?

Dear Reader:

You should be encouraged that you realize you are not alone in your predicament. It isn’t easy to accept the sad reality that older workers often can be the first to be let go and the last to be rehired. Furthermore, it is understandable that you are becoming more sad and anxious about your dilemma. Already your sense of worthlessness, bitterness and isolation is negatively affecting your physical and mental health. Your feelings do matter and you have every right to feel worried and angry, but there is a healthier way to cope with the situation.

As an example, there are ways to build up your self-esteem in order to change your negative beliefs. First, try to be as compassionate and supportive to yourself as you would to any friend in your situation. There is nothing shameful about losing one’s job. Unemployment is a fact of life. Losing your job does not make you a loser. The fact that you were at your job for 30 years suggests that you did a great job while you were there.

Although at this time you are feeling depressed, it is important to take care of yourself and live your life as normally as possible. Of course your priority may be looking for a job, but leave time in your day for doing rewarding and effective things like exercising, eating healthy, spending times with supportive friends and loved ones, and plain old having fun. You can accomplish these goals by getting active and staying active with a daily and/or weekly plan. You may not be in the mood, but acting in a way that is opposite of how you feel can put you in a better mood.

On the other hand, by not staying active, you may be leaving too much time to think in repeated negative ways. Getting stuck in the same thoughts over and over is called ruminating, whereby you spin your wheels and get deeper and deeper in negativity. Rumination can take the form of beating one’s self up with internal criticism like being unable to stop thinking of what you should have done to prevent some bad thing from happening.

For example, even if you did something wrong that caused you to lose your job, you can treat it as a learning experience and focus on what you can do differently in the future. You can self-correct rather than self-criticize. Ruminating also can lead to thinking like a victim. Instead of focusing productively on the future, you keep dwelling on the past, repeatedly thinking how bad things are by blaming others who put you in this awful situation. In anger and bitterness, you sink into the “Why me?” outlook, especially if you believe that it is not your fault.

Instead of empowering yourself to flexibly adapt to the problem by developing new coping skills, you become reluctant to make the necessary changes in direction and move forward. Another major challenge after job loss will be coping with a financial setback. If you are the breadwinner, you may feel the burden of responsibility or the guilt of not being able to take care of your family.

However, it is important to remember that, although you are no longer bringing in an income, there are lots of ways that you can help out. As an example, at home you can take on more chores or be a better parent or partner. You are more than just a paycheck to your family. Too often, loss of income can become equated with loss of self-worth, tied to one’s sense of status, security and self-esteem.

Now may be an opportunity to re-evaluate how money functions in your life both financially and emotionally. Although realistically, money can buy important things, there are many important things in life that might not cost that much and might even be free, like spending time with your kids, reading or volunteering to help others in the larger community. For some, this could be a good time to make a shift in values, with less emphasis on materialism and more on meaningful relationships, one’s purpose in life and the things that really matter.

If money is a major problem, what good will worrying about it do? A problem-solving approach with self-discipline will provide more effective solutions. Gather information about how much money you have — savings and other sources of income — and what your expenses are. Then consider where you can budget by becoming more mindful of the difference between your needs (like your mortgage) versus your unnecessary wants (like Starbucks coffees or restaurant meals). Self-discipline, however, does not mean never spending money on enjoyable things, but that you get smart about how you spend it.

Most important, try to stay positive. Don’t jump to conclusions that you will never be employed again. Almost everyone eventually gets a job, especially if they put the time and effort into finding one. It may require being flexible about the location and salary or even acquiring new skills. Or, it could mean, perhaps temporarily, taking one or two part-time jobs.

Remember, you are an intelligent person with the capacity and motivation to work. This can be a time to reclaim your life, take control of your destiny and make every day count. Eventually, you can develop a new way of thinking, acting and feeling that will empower you to become stronger and wiser in the face of any future challenges.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.